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Looney Tunes Survival Guide – Lesson 1: So You Think You’re In The Looney Tunes Universe.

November 28, 2010 Leave a comment

Ok, so you just fell down the extra large rabbit hole, followed it down, took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and WHAM! You emerge to see that the world is brightly colored, everyone’s eyes leap from their forehead, and there is a giant bird, rabbit, duck, or red head midget cowboy that has a beard that would put Grizzly Adams to shame. Chances are you have stumbled into the Looney Toons Universe, and are looking for help.

Well there’s no need to worry, as I am a seasoned expert of the Looney Toons Universe and have traveled multiple times amongst it’s three walls. I will teach you step by step with my multiple set of lessons on How to Survive in the Looney Toons Universe.

So you think you’re in the Looney Toons Universe, but you’re not quite sure… Well the first step to survival is to identify whether or not you are in fact in the Looney Toons Universe. Here are a couple helpful tips on how to identify whether or not you should be using this guide.

Indication #1: You walk for hours and see the same background scenery.

Ok, you’ve been traveling down the desert for hours and you by now you are getting kind of tired of the bright scenery because you’ve seen the same goddamn pillar and plateau since you came to this God Forsaken place. Well, this is good news because this is the first indication that you have landed yourself in the LTU. The background never changes in the LTU because animation budgets are small and it just too hard to make a dynamic environment. So enjoy the still landscape because it will be the little break you get before…

Indication #2: There’s an gimmicky human, or bipedal animal trying to eat/kill you.

So you’re walking along the desert, and you see a coyote walking on his hind legs putting together a large red bottle rocket thing, and he’s getting rope out in an almost S&M fetish to tie himself to this very explodey looking firework.

Featured: Voyerism

Bad News, chances are he’s going to try to sling himself at you after he’s done working on it. Good News is if you continue to follow my series I will soon give you some quick tips on how to outwit this particular canine.

But for now to just keep your wits about you, because before we can a little investigation must be done. You must now go undercover to 100% confirm that you are in the Looney Toons Universe. So we need to find out who he gets his products from, so what you’re going to need is a briefcase, and a pair of glasses, which shouldn’t be a problem because…

Indication #3: Your pockets are suddenly full of random, but useful shit.

Never Leave Home With Out It.

You’re searching through your pockets you find a hammer, six wigs, a pair of glasses, a dress, a cigar, an anvil, a vase and a handkerchief and there’s still more to go! The fact is in the Looney Toons Universe “Too little space,” is a concept that they have far evolved beyond, and now sledge hammers can sit side by side with vases in your pocket, and always do. What you need to do right now is just listen, and don’t question me, think about what you need and blindly look in your vest pocket, there you will find a hat, in your back pocket you will find a collapsible brief case. Now flip your jacket inside out and now you are wearing a plaid jacket and are ready for your part.

This next step is to approach the Coyote, which seems risky, but don’t worry because

Indication #4: As long as you speak fast, and look like a used car salesman, nobody will stop to question you.

Ehh… Only Ten Percent Down Payment, Doc.

Ok, to be honest this works with any profession from a Barber to a Soldier, but in this situation a Salesman is the best, so put on your saleman getupWalk straight up to the Coyote and start speaking fast. If you are completely unoriginal, memorize this entire speech verbatim.

Hello sir, my name his Henry Sulling, Sulling is my name, Selling is my game, now what have you got here… ACME! I spit up pflem in the morning better than ACME products. I tell you what, how much did you pay for that, don’t tell me! (slap him with brief case as you turn to him) you paid $2,000 bucks for this. How much you think I can get it to you? $1,500? $1,000? $750? I can get it to you in 12 easy payments of 129.99!! Now that include shipping and handling costs, and membership costs, and a little paperwork, so we should start at it (pull out a contract and of course a pen from your pocket and slam it into his chest and begin to push him away from the device) thank you very much sir come get me when you’re done with that. (And walk away)

People in the Looney Toons Universe can’t resist or fight back when you are trying to convince them of something without letting them speak, and that is the trick here. You need to get him away from the device by convincing him that he needs to do some mundane task so you can then go back to the device to find out who made the rocket because chances are it is…

Final Indication: It was made by ACME.

So now it is certain, you are in the Looney Toons Universe. As a first lesson I will tell you this, NEVER buy from ACME. ACME product are spotty at best, backfire most of the time, and send you hurling off cliffs. ACME is a corrupt organization who doesn’t pay attention to quality or good ideas, which kind of makes them like the Wal-Mart of the Looney Toons Universe.

Now that we have confirmed that you are in fact in the Looney Toons Universe, it is now time to teach you how to Survive. But for now I’ve run out of my five minutes, and will teach you next week on the Wasted Time, Your Only Source for Looney Tunes Survival.

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